I know you want to know

For the purposes of this blog I’m going to imagine that there are actually people reading this, and that you’re all DEAD INTERESTED in what I have to say – after all, that’s kind of a given for a blog, right? Even though 99% of the many, many blogs out there are just people like me shouting into the void. ANYWAY.

In the interest of banging out some more blog posts, here are some Things That I Like And Some Things That I Do Not Like At All.

Things I Like:

  • The word “oubliette”. Not as pretty a thing as it sounds.
  • Making up phrases that sound like they could have been used as codes for the BBC to broadcast to WW2 French Resistance cells. “Jacque’s cow, will NOT GIVE MILK”. “Pierre’s NEW BOOTS are BLACK”.  “The cafetiere is BROKEN.” Almost anything can sound like one, if you repeat it with significance.
  • Animals with human names – is your cat called Geoffrey? Clive? Did you name your dog Stephen? Then you are okay by me! INTERESTING FACT: I once had a dream that I had a monkey named Joseph. Make of that what you will.
  • Sherbert. I will HOOVER that shit up
  • Webcams. Not in a dirty way. Unless penguin porn is your thing: Edinburgh Zoo’s Penguin cam is a doozy. There’s some good northern lights ones out there too (that I can’t find the links for), and watching the ferry, and the weather, come in and out of Orkney’s Stromness harbour is one of my very favourite things. Oddly comforting.

Things I Don’t Like:

  • People who say ‘lock’ instead of ‘loch’. I know I’m Welsh, and therefore biased, but there’s an uchhhhh in there! It’s a great noise! Never pass up the opportunity to legitimately make a weird sound with your mouth.
  • Apostrophes. Slippery bastards.
  • The word ‘jeggings’.
  • The word ‘coatigan’.
  • Any stupid amalgamation of two words created by Primark to sell more shit.
  • Dolphins, purely for that fact that I always have my back turned, or am spewing below decks when they make an appearance. Oh, jumped out and did a somersault did it? Oh it was ‘spectacular’ was it? Screw you. And screw you, dolphins.

So there. I hope you paid attention because I’ll be testing you on this.

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